The Golden Goose

The Golden Goose

Centuries ago in the Old World, a peasant family lived on the edge of the forest and eked out a bare living growing crops in rocky soil and chopping wood.  Mom and Dad had three sons.  They were immensely proud of Hans and Fritz, strong young men who were good at sports and fighting, and were nobody’s fool.

They also had a third son whom they christened Maximilian, but everyone called him Dumbass.  They called him that because he didn’t know enough to come in out of the rain.  When the other kids found a new swimming hole but were afraid it wasn’t safe to swim in, they’d get Dumbass to go in first:  if he came out with leeches sucking his blood, they’d stay away from it.  Once when a forger asked him to make change for a thirteen-mark note, he gave him the six-mark note and the eight-mark note he’d got the week before. 

Dumbass wasn’t good at sports either.  He was small and frail and couldn’t remember the simplest rules.  When the boys decided to play soccer and formed two teams, each team would demand that the other team take him.  When a boy who was smaller than him said “Your mother likes sailors!” his brothers made Dumbass box with him, but the small boy landed a direct hit on Dumbass’ nose, and he ran away in tears, saying, “You win, you win--just leave me alone!” At such times Mom and Dad pretended he was someone else’s kid.

Hans and Fritz often had fun with Dumbass.  One day they sent him into town to buy a left-handed ax.  The townsfolk laughed at him for falling for such an obvious prank, and when he came home Hans and Fritz laughed at him again for being a sucker.  But he didn’t learn from his mistakes, and they fooled him again and again.

One day Dad sent Hans into the forest to chop wood.  For his lunch, Mom gave him a sweet pancake she’d baked with eggs, and a bottle of wine.  Hans was proud to be given such an important responsibility and looked for the biggest trees to fell.  He headed into the deep woods where Brownie the Wood Fairy lived.

As Hans ate his lunch, an odd little old man in strange green clothes came up to him and asked, “Can I have some of your cake and wine?” Hans said, “Get lost, you freeloader!  Go work for a living like other people!” As the little man disappeared Hans felt proud of himself.  “I’ve done my part to combat the culture of dependency eating away at the very fabric of society,” he said. “And that beggar’s probably a foreigner too.”

That afternoon, as Hans was chopping away at a tree, his axe slipped and left a deep, painful gash in his arm.  He staggered home so Mom and Dad could give him bandages.

The next day Dad sent Fritz out to do the chopping.  Mom made him another fine lunch, with a sweet pancake and a bottle of wine.  He went to the same part of the forest where Hans had gone, and as he was eating his lunch the little man came up to him and asked, “Can I have some of your cake and wine?”

Fritz frowned and said, “If you want it, you’d better ask politely.” So the little man took off his cap, made a graceful bow, flashed a winning smile and said in an earnest voice, “Kind sir, might you give me a small piece of your delicious-looking cake and a few drops of your fragrant wine?”

Fritz answered, “Forget it, you should have been polite the first time.  Go beg from someone else!” He laughed as the little man disappeared. “That was fun!” he said.

That afternoon as Fritz was chopping, his axe slipped and this time it gashed his leg.  He limped home with great difficulty and they put him to bed.

The next day Dumbass asked for his turn to go out into the forest and chop wood.  Dad only agreed reluctantly, and reminded him, “Be sure not to leave your axe behind.  You’re always losing things!” Mom made him a meager lunch, a doughy cake made with water that she’d baked in the ashes and a bottle of sour beer.  He went to the same place as Hans and Fritz, and as he was about to eat his lunch the little man came up to him and asked, “Can I have some of your cake and beer?”

Dumbass had often been told, “Never talk to strangers!” At crucial moments like this, however, he could never remember what he’d been told. “What did they tell me?  Never walk to dangers? Always stalk two granges?  Never squawk, do ranges?” So he took the path of least resistance and gave him the cake and beer.

The little man took most of the lunch but left Dumbass a few crumbs of cake and a few drops of beer.  He said, “That’s some excellent eating!  I’m Brownie the Wood Fairy and if you ever need a favor just come here.  Right now I’ll give you a tip.” He pointed his finger and said, “See that big old oak in this direction?  Chop it down and look inside the stump and you’ll find something very interesting!” Then he disappeared.

Dumbass was curious enough to seek the tree out. and found it after an hour’s search.  He started chopping, but his axe didn’t slip.  Eventually he brought the oak down and found a hollow in the new stump.  Inside it he found a goose.

But it wasn’t just any goose.  It was a goose with feathers of gold, which shone so brightly in the sunshine that Dumbass blinked.  He could already taste the omelet from the goose’s eggs!  But then a thought occured to him.  He said, “This is probably one of those geese who lay golden eggs too, and I remember this story about King Midas where it said you can’t eat golden eggs.  So what good is this bird?”

But then Dumbass got a rare brainwave.  “If I take this goose into town, I’m sure I can find someone who’ll trade me a regular one for it.  Mom and Dad will be proud of me!” So he picked up the goose and headed to town, leaving his axe behind.

As Dumbass approached the nearby town, one of the goose’s golden feathers came off and stuck to his finger.  It reminded him of a gold coin, and as he passed Shifty’s tavern he said, “Maybe this feather will buy me a meal!” He went inside and gave the feather to Shifty, who had to pull hard to remove it, and he was given a meal worth a silver coin.

The dinner was served by Shifty’s daughter Crumpet the Strumpet, who quickly noticed the goose.  She said, “People are terrible tippers these days!  If that customer gave me a feather or two from that goose, what a fine dress it would buy!”  Then Dumbass went to the outhouse and she thought, “If I took a feather now, I’d save him the trouble of remembering to give it to me.  And there are so many feathers on that bird that he’ll never notice it’s gone!” So she crept up to the goose, glanced around to make sure there was nobody watching, and took hold of a golden feather.  But the feather wouldn’t come off the goose and her hand stayed stuck to it!

Now Crumpet’s sister Easy Louisa came into the room.  She said, “You should be ashamed of yourself, filching golden feathers!” A second later she grabbed Crumpet to shove her out of the way so she could grab a feather of her own.  But now her hand stayed stuck to Crumpet.

Now Crumpet and Louisa’s sister Cherry Tart came in.  As she approached them, Crumpet said, “Stay away from us!” Louisa said, “You’ll be sorry!” But Cherry didn’t listen and grabbed Louisa to move her out of the way and get her own feather.  Now her hand stayed stuck to Louisa.

As Dumbass returned to his table, the three girls smiled and acted casual, so he didn’t notice his goose’s new attachments.  But then he picked it up and left, and they had no choice but to walk along and try not to trip.  As they went out, Shifty called out, “Are you girls going on strike again?”

Parson Prick saw the four of them walking along and was outraged.  “You hussies have some nerve chasing a boy out in the street in broad daylight!” He tried to pull Cherry away, but only became attached himself.

Sexton Dork came along and saw his parson following the girls, and cried out, “Parson, do you want a big scandal?  Let’s go find a baby for you to baptize!” So he grabbed ahold of the Parson and became stuck too.

The two peasants Moose and Bobo were coming out of the fields and the Parson and the Sexton yelled, “Get us free of these girls before our reputations are ruined forever!” So they too grabbed the clerics but ended up two more people stuck in the awkward procession.

Dumbass walked through the town’s main street, carrying the golden goose, followed by Crumpet, followed by Louisa, followed by Cherry, followed by the Parson, followed by the Sexton, followed by Moose, followed by Bobo.  He headed toward the market, past King Aloysius’ castle, barely noticing that everyone was staring.  He wondered, “Is that the sound of a parade?  I hope it’s coming in this direction!”

Meanwhile the King’s daughter Princess Lucille looked out the window of the King’s castle.  She was a pretty young lady, but there was something wrong with her.  She never laughed.

Lucille’s problem went back to years before, when her mother told her the facts of life. “You’re a girl,” the Queen had said, “and someday you’ll be a woman and you’ll have to marry some man.  That’s when your troubles begin!  Men think well of themselves, but they treat you like dirt and are totally unreliable.  Then they expect you to be grateful that they aren’t even worse!”

“What can I do about it?” Lucille asked.

“Nothing!” her mother answered. “All you can do is act polite and keep your grumbling to yourself.”

After that time, Lucille never laughed.  She didn’t even smile.  Eventually King Aloysius noticed this and started to worry.  Who’d want to marry a girl who never laughed, even a princess?  So he hired the finest doctors, who gave Lucille diuretics and emetics and enemas.  She just turned green.  He hired famous court jesters like Shock-Headed Peter and Fidgety Philip, who could break up the most hostile audiences.  She just yawned.

It was then, in a moment of exasperation, that the King exclaimed, “Why, if any man can make her laugh I’d even let him marry her!” Then all the single men in the kingdom were coming to visit them, trying their hardest to make Lucille laugh.  Stand-up comedians came and told her cheap jokes about foreigners in barrooms or travelling merchants seeking a resting place for the night.  Some used shameless puns, others used oversize props, a few used subtle political satire.  Champion gurners came and made grotesque faces.  She just got annoyed.

Now as Lucille looked out the window and saw Dumbass and his entourage, she tilted her head back and started making a noise.  It was a little noise at first, but got louder and louder.  Her maid heard a girl laughing and thought someone else had come in, but then realized it was Lucille herself.  Then guards in the nearby hallway heard her laughter.  Then ladies in waiting in the next room heard it.  Lucille’s laughter just got louder and louder until everyone in the castle could hear it, even King Aloysius.  When the King found out it was his daughter’s laughter, he beamed from ear to ear and ordered, “Bring in whoever’s responsible for this!”

Soldiers went into the street and said to Dumbass, “Are you in charge here? Come with us into the castle!” Dumbass dropped his goose and its stickiness went away all at once, causing his followers to fall to the ground like bowling pins.  He said, “I hope I’m not in trouble again.”

The soldiers carried Dumbass into the castle on their shoulders, cheering wildly.  When Lucille saw him up close, she laughed again.  But when King Aloysius saw his prospective son in law, he turned pale.  Thinking off the top of his head, he said, “Of course, before you actually marry my daughter, there are a few tests you have to undergo so I can make sure that you’re worthy of her!”

“I hope they aren’t essay tests!” Dumbass said.

The King took Dumbass out to the royal smokehouse where a year’s supply of corned beef, ham, chicken, mutton and sausage lay salted.  He laid out a fancy table and said, “The man who marries Princess Lucille must be a robust, lusty stalwart in perfect health.  Here’s a whole smokehouse full of meat.  Prove your robustness by getting all this meat eaten up.  We’ll check on you tomorrow, and if the meat’s all gone you’ll have proved yourself worthy.  Bon appetit!”

As the King closed the smokehouse door on Dumbass, he laughed up his sleeve. “He’ll burst long before finishing all that meat, and my problem will be solved!” he gloated.

Dumbass ate a little meat, but it was too spicy for his taste.  As the sun was setting, he said, “The hell with this!  Brownie got me into this mess, so let him get me out of it.” He sneaked out of the smokehouse and headed back to the forest.  The night made things hard to see, but he realized he’d found the right place when he tripped over his axe.  Brownie appeared and said, “You know, I’m still hungry.” 

So Dumbass took Brownie back to the smokehouse.  He said, “The King said  all that meat had to be eaten, but did he say _I_ had to eat it?” After seating Brownie at the table, he lay down and went to sleep.

Dumbass woke up just before dawn.  Nothing was left of the meat but bones picked clean.  Brownie was sitting at the table using a toothpick, the top button on his pants undone. “Frankly,” he said, “I owe you one.” He belched and left.

The King arrived at the smokehouse with Lucille and stretcher-bearers.  When he opened the door, his smile faded as he found Dumbass sitting at the table next to a pile of bones.  Dumbass said, “I had some help from Brownie the Wood Fairy.” Lucille laughed again.

King Aloysius didn’t give up easily.  Now he told Dumbass, “Another requirement for those marrying into royalty is being able to hold their liquor!” He took him to the royal wine cellar, filled with thousands of bottles of champagne, bordeaux, port, rhenish, sherry, madeira, rose, maraschino and every other imaginable vintage.  He seated him at a table with a goblet, and said, “Get all this wine drunk.  See you later!” He closed the door and left.

Dumbass opened one bottle, but didn’t like it. “This bouquet is annoying in its pretention!” he said.  Again he sneaked out to find Brownie, who was lurking just outside the castle grounds. “That meat was pretty spicy,” he said. “Do you have something I could wash it down with?”

Hours later the King came to the wine cellar with Lucille and the stretcher.  All the wine was gone, and Dumbass was sitting at the table surrounded by empty bottles. “Brownie helped me again,” he said. “He’s gone to the outhouse.” Lucille laughed so hard they had to put her to bed.

Now the King was near the end of his rope!  He finally said, “There’s one more test for a princess’ husband.  Go out and procure a ship of sturdy oak, 300 ells long and 100 ells wide, with four masts of white pine, twenty sails of silk in every color of the rainbow, bulkheads of red mahogany, portholes of stained glass, and a helm of fine black ebony, then bring it here in front of the palace.  My daughter deserves nothing less!”

Lucille’s heart sank as she looked out her window and saw Dumbass heading away to find her ship. “Life here will be boring again,” she sighed.  But the King was pleased. “We’re hundreds of miles from the seacoast, and even if he finds a ship like that, how on earth could he bring it here?” he chuckled.

Dumbass headed back to the woods, saying, “I’ll have to chop a lot of wood to build such a ship.  I hope I can find my axe!” But as he headed into the deep forest, he ran into Brownie, who was standing on a ship of sturdy oak, 300 ells long and 100 ells wide, with four masts of white pine, twenty sails of silk in every color of the rainbow, bulkheads of red mahogany, portholes of stained glass, and a helm of fine black ebony...

...mounted on wheels!

Dumbass said, “Could I borrow your ship?” Brownie answered, “Anything for a good buddy!” 

He climbed aboard and stood at the helm while Brownie lifted the anchor.  There was a fine wind, and Dumbass sailed forth.  He wrecked a few gardens and sent dogs running for dear life, but before long he reached the castle again.  When the King saw the ship he fainted dead away, but Lucille laughed again.  She climbed onto the ship and kissed her guy, and they sailed away.